Where my heart is…
Updated: Jun 1, 2020
I had discussed with my husband for many months about starting a blog about my faith journey with Christ. I had talked about doing this for months before we found out we were expecting. I went back and forth on whether or not I could do this, if I could put my faith out there “naked” for everyone to see. God kept urging me and urging me to do it, and I just kept locking the idea away, telling God I just can NOT do it, I can not let people see me. If you don’t know me well, I am the shyest most socially awkward person. I have no idea why I am this way, I try so hard not to be, but usually when I try to be anything but who I am, I come across more awkward that if I had just been me. I have a hard time speaking to people and I get nervous and usually talk in loops or say what comes to mind without thinking it through and it always comes out wrong. I am always so fearful of saying something that will sound awkward that I typically just do not even speak, it seems easier for me to just remain quiet and observant rather than say something that will make me seem awkward. I also have this deep fear of being known, I do not like the vulnerability of letting people know who I am. I post very little of my family life on Facebook and keep my real life to share with those in it or a tiny few extended friends and family on Instagram. I am just a person who hates being in the spotlight, I nearly hyperventilate when I am the center of attention (seriously at work when we celebrate my birthday and the whole office looks at me singing happy birthday, it is all I can do not to crawl under the table in the fetal position), so starting a blog sharing my heart, my struggles in faith, and my everyday challenges was not something I thought I could stamp my name on, so I continued shelving the idea (even though God kept bringing it to my mind).
Just before we found out we were expecting I had decided to surrender and do this, to share my journey with my faith and my failures. I felt God calling my heart so loudly, calling to me to make disciples for Him, calling me to help others, to reach those like me, those that may feel like they fail Him everyday, to let them know they are not alone. He was calling me to let others know how even though we fail, we are covered by His grace. I thought, I will do this for you God but I will not stamp my name on it, it will be completely anonymous and in no way will say this is written by me. I thought, people will still see an imperfect journey and how God covers it with his grace, people will still be able to see God’s work and I can remain completely anonymous.
Shortly after this decision we found out about the baby and I just felt so far from the Christ focused person I had felt like before the news. I was sitting in severe sickness wondering why and how this was happening and I thought there was no way I could write about my faith…now that I am running from God there is no way I can do this…I have failed Him completely. However in my failure God stayed with me, He covered me in grace when He changed my heart. He never left me in my sorrow. He completely reversed my focus and I knew I had to do this, I had to do this for Him.
It became brilliantly clear that I needed to surrender to God and show people my heart, to show them how I so deeply believe in Him, how I believe that Christ is my salvation, but I still struggle with how to figure out what that means to my everyday decisions, what it means to my everyday life, what it means to my walk through this world. I will admit every time I hit the publish button in WordPress I instantly feel sick to my stomach, I feel uncomfortable that people will see my heart here in black and white and know who I am, I sometimes log in to delete it all and never share a moment of myself again, but each time I back away with God pulling my hands letting me know that somewhere I may help someone know they are not alone in their faith journey, that sometimes it is not a divine changing of oneself that happens instantaneously, sometimes it is a struggle to figure this faith journey out and sometimes you will fail God, but He will always be there to pick you up and give you the grace to try again.