• Faithfully Failing Him

I failed to mention…

You took away my clothes of sadness, and clothed me in happiness.  – Psalm 30:11

I read back through my writings and I think, I can’t believe I have shared this much of myself with people, I need to delete this whole thing now before another eye sees it! However God continues to pull my hand back and urge me to share my relationship with Christ.  I don’t know why but I am reluctant to be open with people, it literally makes me want to run and hide under a rock when I realize I have shared my life with people that are not in my inner circle, and my inner circle is all of about four people!  The term keep to myself is an understatement for the type of personality I have.  I also have trouble looking back at my writings…I think who is this person because as a Christian I feel I am continuously evolving from one day to the next and how I feel in one moment is fleeting when God’s grace is continually covering me and changing my perspective on my life and this world.  I read what I wrote just six weeks ago and I can see how drastically things change so quickly.  I think wow I feel so differently now.  I actually was a little frustrated with myself for writing in my last post that my time was filled with more tears than I could remember…there were many tears but there has also been so much joy, so much laughter, grace, and comfort.   Focusing my writing on how I struggled those eleven weeks left out so much of how we as a family have triumphed with the grace, love, support, and joy we have been given for this little life.

I failed to mention that the first time the baby got the hiccups the whole family was home and my husband and daughter were able to take turns holding my belly while each little hiccup echoed through.  I failed to mention how my daughter’s face lit up with joy at the feeling of her baby sister, how my husband smiled with excitement as he placed his hand on my belly and felt those rhythmic thumps of his second baby girl.

I failed to mention how my daughter and husband continually ask with enthusiasm how the nugget is doing, and how my husband leans down to my belly and sweetly tells his second daughter that he loves her so.  I failed to mention how my daughter hugs me and then hugs my belly a second time always ending the hug with a little kiss to her baby sister.

I forgot to mention how through this fear and worry, God has given us a platform to witness for His greatness.  I forgot to mention how people have come to tears in conversation with my husband over what we are walking through and my husband has been able to share Christ with them as a result, he has been able to tell them how he is standing strong and staying joyful in everything we have faced through his faith in Christ.

I forgot to mention how since the 17 weeks ago that I told my three childhood best friends that this was happening how they have become as close to me as ever, with everyday conversations, continuous contact, and support.

I forgot to mention the amazing support of my prayer partners, support groups, and extended friends.

I forgot to mention how my heart warmed when I showed someone photos of how we suspect Vivianne’s birth defect would look and that person’s first words were that baby is precious, instead of be thankful that can be fixed (yes I have heard that line from others), instead the person truly focused on the sweet life pictured and not the defect to be fixed.  I failed to mention how you can really see the truth in someone’s heart through their reactions to your grief and how it can really uplift you and warm you to find love where you least expected.

I failed to mention how ridiculously close I have felt to my husband, I thought he was amazing before, and I have always been grateful that I was one of the lucky ones to have a partner with such a sweet and humble heart, but his heart, his love and faith are more profound than I could ever have imagined.  People say there is nothing like hard times to really test your marriage, and I can say for us that is so far from the case, I would love to recoin that phrase and say there is nothing like hard times to solidify your marriage and bring love to light.  My husband’s faith and support have really radiated to me in the last few months, his willingness to serve my needs, to share his faith, and love me through this have really shown me what true love, commitment, and grace from another person is about.

I have failed to mention how God has reminded me that He has answered my prayers over and over again.  He reminded me how I asked for a child not once but twice and He gifted us two daughters, in His time.  He reminded me that after years of praying for a career for my husband that allows him to be home with us, He provided that, in His time.  He reminded me that He has provided financially in abundance with raises, promotions, and spontaneous generosity in times we thought we would not have one extra penny.  He reminded me that in His time, He has healed sickness and pain from our bodies and from those we have prayed for.  He has changed perspectives and attitudes, mended relationships, and brought people into our life that we have prayed for.  He reminded me that sometimes His time is in an instant and sometimes it requires that I be still and wait.  God reminded me that even when His answer to my prayer was no, He gave me peace and calmness and eliminated the desire from my heart.  If you are a non-believer reading this and do not believe that God has answered our prayers, all I can say is message me and I can be very specific with many examples from years and years of praying where God has shown up in our life, situations in which there is no other explanation than the work of a supernatural God.  If you are a believer and are struggling with waiting for God to answer I have two pieces of advice…one, please continue to pray fervently until the weight is no longer on your heart, whether it takes days or years.  I truly believe if it is not in God’s will then He will give your heart peace with it.  If your heart continually leads you to pray then do not give up, pray unremittingly and in God’s time He will answer.  Also know in your heart that God is not a genie to grant your every earthly desire, if you pray to Him in this manner, your heart is not aligned with Gods, God does not exist to bring you earthly pleasures, instead we exist to be in relationship with Him.

Whatever it takes, Lord, align my desires with yours, so that my prayers align with your purposes. Let your will be done through me. – Author: Jon BloomFor the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. –  1 John 2:16 (NLV)

As you pray and as you study His word, your prayers will begin to align with God’s will, your heart will begin to reflect His and you will feel peace with the no’s and you will see that you no longer desire what is outside His will, your prayers will begin to reflect God’s heart.  Surrender to His will and He will give you peace, joy, and satisfaction that this world can never provide.

I believe God’s answer to healing my baby’s cleft is no, I believe this because I have peace with it.  I believe it is His will for her to have life. God has healed my body of a complication that was a threat to this baby’s life, He has given me wellness and strength in moments I have asked, He has given me a love for this baby so profound that I reflect back on those first weeks of knowing I was pregnant and I truly wonder why I didn’t feel this way from the start.  God is going to let her live and be well, she may have some challenges to face with her repairs but she will persevere, we all will, with joy and thankfulness in our hearts.

We tried to see her cleft yesterday but we were unable, she has already dropped some and as soon as the tech started scanning for her face she turned away.  We did get a quick profile view of her sweet little face. My induction is scheduled in just a little over two weeks.  I am so excited to meet her!

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