He still had my prayer in His heart
This little one really surprised us. I actually prayed for this child many times over the years, my husband and I talked about trying for a second child more than once, but we never followed through with it. Trying for us meant more than it does for most, it wasn’t going to be just looking at a calendar and scheduling it out, it was going to mean many hours in doctor’s offices, counting out nearly ten pills a day (that were certain to make me a little nutty…an emotional train wreck) it would be shots in the hip, disappointment, heartbreak and frustration when failure came. Trying for us meant much more than it would for most. I knew in my heart that I didn’t think I was strong enough to endure that again, in the back of my mind I knew we would never have another child. We settled into parenthood of one kid and I think we were finally feeling like maybe we have this thing figured out, and then came the biggest surprise of our life, by a complete act of God we found out on May 20th that we are expecting another child. I want to be completely transparent, my reaction was not joy and thankfulness at first (actually for many weeks to come). I was in shock, I was overwhelmed, for lack of better words I freaked out! How did this happen (well of course I know how it happened but biologically how in the world could this be true)? My blood tests last fall showed I was completely deficient in the baby making department. My first thoughts were I am not ready, I was just starting to lose all my baby weight from my daughter after four years of roller coaster loss and gain, we were finally making great strides financially, I was finally feeling comfortable and stress free with our money, we were doing great at our little party of three. My reaction was not what you would expect for someone in our situation, for someone just receiving the greatest gift from God…my reaction was fear…worry…the worry of the sleepless nights, the $1,200 a month expense in daycare (yes you read that right, it is crazy), the reaction of our first child (what if she hated the idea of a sibling), how were we to manage a newborn and keep our daughter sufficiently tended as she accustomed, all of these fears and worries took over my mind and my spirit in the first few weeks of knowing. The hardest part was I felt so guilty, oh man the guilt…I was so full of guilt and shame that these were my thoughts, I should have been thanking and praising God for this incredible gift He just gave our family, I should have been thanking God that this happened naturally without the pills, the shots, without the emotional distress that infertility causes. He gave us this gift, this incredible gift because at one time I asked for it, because I prayed to Him about it over the years and He provided, even though my mind had moved on from the desire, He still had my prayer in His heart. I felt my reaction to this gift was like a slap in the face to God and for that I felt so much shame. I felt so much shame that I felt like I needed to “hide” from God, I stopped going to church for a few weeks, I stopped praying, I felt like “who am I to ask God for anything now” – now that I have discarded an answered prayer as a mistake, I felt like I couldn’t face Him. BUT – God did not turn His back on me, even with my reaction to His gift. God took every emotion I was feeling and He provided love and healing, He provided resolution and joy. God eliminated every fear and every worry from my heart, one by one. He eliminated every fear and worry I had and replaced it with joy and excitement. Even though I failed God, He did not leave me, He did not let me wallow in my fear, but instead He filled my heart with joy and overcame every fear. I am forever grateful for this gift He has given us. This child is meant to be, I hope to write more in another post but this child in the short months I have carried her has endured so much and has survived through it all, absent hormones needed to sustain pregnancy, bacterial infections, trip to the ER, dehydration, and more I will maybe share another time (note I went through all of those things not directly the baby, but any of the situations could have resulted in loss of pregnancy but this little heart kept beating). This child is meant to come into this world, we were specifically chosen to be her parents and she is coming no matter the obstacles. She’ll she you in January.